Peters Bedtime Stories
by familyguyfan
Summary: Parody of Disneys "Bedtime Stories". After Lois and Peter get divorced, Peter takes care of the kids for the week. Things get strange when the kids make changes to the story which effects Peters life. Will he ever be with Lois again? Find out!
1. And then it began

It was a clear day on Spooner Street. The town of Quahog was gathered around the Tom Pocket Patriot brewery. Peter recently got demoted from the brewery for public drunkenness. Peter was a repairman. Whenever a machine was broken, Peter had to fix it for his boss Tom Pocket Pat, the owner of the brewery. Tom Pocket Pat faced the audience and spoke into the microphone. Loud screeching noises shattered the audience.

Peter rushed to the microphone and repaired it. Peter farted into the microphone and said "Ladies and gentleman that was a fart! Speaking of farts here's Tom Pocket Pat."

The audience stood on their feet and cheered.

"Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, as much as I hate to break it to you, we are expanding this brewery!" Tom said.

Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland cheered in the back row.

"That means we're taking down the high school across the road." Tom explained.

Peter raised his hand and asked, "Are you out of your freaking mind?"

The audience gasped.

Tom walked up to Peter and yelled into the microphone, "Mr. Griffin you might be mentally retarded but hear me clear! We need to expand in this city so we can eventually go country wide!"

Peter didn't tremble. He picked his ear and said, "I didn't get any of that at all. I think I might be deaf now. Thanks."

Tom pointed at a man in a black suit and asked Peter, "Why can't you be more like Johnson over there?"

The man named Johnson waved and said, "Guilty is charged sir."

The audience laughed.

"I'm sorry. I'll work harder." Peter said confident.

Tom grinned and said, "Very good."

When Peter got home, he lazed around and turned on the TV. Suddenly the doorbell rung. Peter answered. Lois was holding Stewie in her arms and Chris and Meg were beside her. Peter sighed.

"What do you want?" Peter asked.

Lois handed Stewie over to Peter and said, "It's your turn with the kids. You know Peter, ever since we got divorced you have turned into a selfish jerk!"

Meg nodded and said, "Moms right."

Peter faced Meg and said, "Shut up Meg."

Meg sobbed and ran to her room. Brian entered from the dining room and said, "Peter you didn't tell me Lois was here."

Lois leaned down and gave Brian a hug.

"It's nice to see you Brian." Lois said.

"Same here." Brian replied as he wagged his tail.

When Lois left Brian asked Peter, "So what's the plan here? Are you going to drink until you can't feel feelings anymore?"

Peter sighed and said, "I don't know Brian. I'm no good for Lois anymore. Ever since the divorce life has been hard on me."

"Don't worry. It's only for a week. How bad could it be?" Brian asked.

Later that evening Peter tried cooking the family meal.

"What the hell is this?" Stewie asked as he looked at his plate. "You know what I think it is? I think its crap!"

Brian looked at the meal and said, "This doesn't look like something you got from the Rachel Ray show."

Peter broke down into tears. "I can't do anything right! Just like that time I tried AXE body spray."

A flashback appeared.

Peter was at the department store and sprayed some AXE body spray on him. Cats slowly walked up to him and Peter ran out of the store as the cats chased him.

Flashback ends.

It was almost bedtime and Peter turned off the lights. Chris rolled his eyes, "Oh God I hope its not another Star Wars story! Sure the first few times worked but dear God its torture!"

"I want to hear a story about Lethal Weapon or Die Hard!" Stewie said.

"No way!" Peter said. "Although those were good movies, it's not good enough."

"What about a romantic story? Like Legally Blonde or The Notebook." Meg asked.

Peter rolled his eyes and said, "That's the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life. And besides, I didn't even cry during The Notebook!"

"You bastard!" Meg yelled as tears rushed down her face.

Chris was looking through his history book and said, "How about a story from the 1400s?" Peter looked at the book Chris held and saw a few pictures of knights and dragons.

"Chris you're a genius!" Peter said excited (**Authors note**: the italics is Peters narration)

_Once _upon_ a time when knights were around, there was a hard working knight by the name of Sir Petercis. He was a hard working knight and if he could impress King Fartface, he would be the ruler of the land._

"Oh my God!" Stewie yelled. "What crappy names are those?"

_Back to the main point, Sir Petercis had to slay the evil dragon to protect the Princess._

"Oh Petercis! Please help me!" the princess shouted.

Petercis stepped onto his horse and rode as fast as he could to the tower.

_All of a sudden Petercis was faced with his arch nemesis Lord Asswipe._

"You don't stand a chance against me Petercis!" Lord Asswipe laughed.

Brian barged in and asked, "Uh Peter, are you wasted or something?"

"Jesus Brian I'm telling a story here!" Peter said sternly.

_When Petercis first arrived at the tower he discovered something unusual. _

Petercis pulled out his iPhone and said to himself, "Damn. No Map Quest anywhere. Stupid technology."

"That kind of technology wasn't around in the 1400s." Chris said. "Petercis would instead hold the keys to the tower so he could get to the top faster."

Peter nodded and said, "Okay I can roll with that."

_Petercis pulled out the key to the tower and rushed up the stairs. The dragon roared as fire blew out of his mouth. Lord Asswipe took his sword and placed it on the dragon's neck._

"Well Petercis it looks like I have beat you!" he said.

"Not for long!" Petercis shouted as he stabbed the dragon in the stomach.

_The dragon fell down the long tower and landed on Lord Asswipe. King Fartface clapped his hands and the crowd roared._

"You have saved the Princess!" King Fartface announced. The princess stared at Peter and said, "Petercis. You saved me! Is there anything I can do in return?"

_Petercis thought long and hard about his answer._

"I'm just doing my job." Petercis said.

"The End!" Peter concluded.

Meg pondered and said, "That wasn't much of a story. It needs a happier ending. What if Petercis got a promotion or something?"

Peter had an idea. "Meg for once in your life you said something smart."

Meg decided to change the story.

"On second thought I would like a promotion." Petercis said.

King Fartface snapped his fingers and said, "It shall be done!"

Peter continued the story.

_Everyone stood up and cheered loudly for Petercis. The princess smiled and was very happy for Petercis and they lived happily ever after._

_The End_

Stewie applauded and said, "That was wonderful! Encore!"

Peter sighed and said, "If only that happened in real life."

A bell noise was heard.

"What the hell was that?" Peter asked.

"It's time for bed." Brian said as he rung the bell in his hand again.

The children went to sleep and Peter closed the door and went to bed also. Early the next morning Peter was attempting to make breakfast. "These pancakes look like crap." Stewie said.

Brian looked at the pancakes and said, "They're not so bad."

Later at the brewery there was a commotion. Tom Pocket Pat was holding a tour of the factory. Peter was in the beer room repairing the main assembly line. Johnson walked up behind Peter and said, "My what do we have here? Another broken assembly line? Pity. You're never going to get a promotion at that rate. Work faster!"

Peter put down the screwdriver and said, "Johnson I'm getting tired of your crap! Every day Tom Pocket Pat says how great of a person you are. Let's face it! You're not perfect! One day I will get that promotion to sales! You'll see."

"Sales Mr. Griffin?" Johnson asked. "Highly unlikely."

Peter turned red for a bit. Johnson snickered and left Peter alone. Meanwhile in the main room, Lois was with Brian looking around the brewery. Tom Pocket Pat walked up to Lois and said, "Lois. Is that you?"

Lois turned around. "Tom Pocket Pat! It's very nice to see you."

Tom nodded and asked, "Didn't you used to be married to Peter?"

Lois sighed. "Sadly yes but after a few years things kind of went tipsy, just like Lindsey Lohan's career."

Flashback.

The TV announcer said, "We now return to VH1s 'My Life on the F List'"

Lindsey Lohan was in the corner of her bedroom smoking pot. Lindsey looked at the camera and yelled, "GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE!"

Flashback ends.

Tom led Lois to the Freezer Room and said, "Well Lois here's the Freezer Room. This is where we store the beer after it has been filled." The second Lois walked into the room Tom closed the door. Lois was trapped inside the Freezer Room.

Peter heard thumping from above him and shouted, "Keep it down! If you want to get laid, go to the Playboy Mansion!"

"Help me!" Lois yelled.

Peter stopped what he was doing and ran as fast as he could to the Freezer Room. When he got there he noticed a key in his pocket. "The hell?" Peter asked confused as he saw the key. Johnson walked up to Peter and asked, "What do you think you're doing?"

Peter faced Johnson and said, "I'm saving someone who I really care about! Unlike Kate Winslet from Titanic."

Flashback.

Title reads "Titanic 3 months later." The character Rose is in bed with a younger gentleman. "It seems like I'm missing something but I don't know what." She faced Jack's picture and said, "I'm so screwed."

Flashback ends.

Peter unlocked the door to the Freezer Room and Lois gasped for air. "Peter! You saved me!"

Tom wiped the sweat off his head and said, "Mr. Griffin I apologize for my actions I made today. Is there anything in return I can do for you?"

Peter thought for a moment.

"You know Tom. I would like a promotion to sales." Peter said.

Everyone cheered. Tom looked at Johnson and said, "Johnson, you are now officially replacing Mr. Griffins job! I thought that I taught you the main rule of the factory. Respect your workers!"

Johnson didn't say anything and threw his fist down in anger.


	2. Changes

When Peter arrived home he walked through the door with a grin on his face. Herbert was the daytime babysitter and was watching the kids. They were all gathered around him. "And that's why you should always use a condom." Herbert told the kids. Chris rushed over to Peter and said in a kidlike voice, "Daddy!"

Peter looked at Chris and asked him, "Did anything strange or unusual happen to you today?"

Chris thought for a second and said, "Jersey Shore has a second season."

Peter nodded and said, "Yeah that is strange. I meant anything to you."

Meg sighed and asked, "Are you high?"

Peter got a little bit mad and said, "Hell no! Though I'm a little bit drunk."

Later that day Joe and Quagmire were visiting Peter. He had to tell someone about what happened at work.

"You got promoted on the spot?" Joe asked.

Peter nodded and said, "It'll be the best. I just had a feeling that was going to happen."

"That's the craziest thing I have ever heard of." Quagmire said.

Peter jotted some stuff down on a pad of paper and said, "I'm going to test a theory tonight. When the kids are in bed I'm going to tell them a western story of some sort."

Carter Peutershmit entered and said, "Griffin I'm impressed with your work. I couldn't be any happier for you."

"Really?" Peter asked.

"Yeah but you're still an idiot." Carter said.

"Wait a minute! You're rich right?" Peter asked.

Carter rolled his eyes and said, "No I'm a fat retarded guy who sits on the couch in his underwear watching a Brady Bunch marathon. Of course I'm rich."

"How much does a Ferrari cost?" Peter asked.

Carter laughed. "About $200,000."

"You're crazy Peter!" Quagmire yelled.

Peter rubbed his hands together slowly and said, "Don't you guys worry I have an idea."

Later that evening Brian gathered with the kids, as Peter was about to tell his story.

"Who wants to hear a western story?" Peter asked.

"Oh God I hope it's not a Brokeback Mountain story." Brian chimed in.

Peter cleared his throat, ignoring Brian and started his story.

_Once upon a time in the old west, there was a man named Big Pete. He was the man of the town. A lot of people liked Big Pete and graced him wherever he roamed. His trusty old steed was getting tired and couldn't take anymore of his weight. Sheriff Broncos was nice enough to offer him a new horse for FREEEEEEEEE! _

"My that sounds like a pretty sweet deal." Big Pete said touched.

"For the great things you have done for this town, I had to reward you." Sheriff Broncos winked.

_The horses name was Ferrari. He was the fastest horse in the world. Big Pete climbed on his horse and suddenly took off as fast as lightning._

"What the hell?" Stewie barged. "He gets a free horse and everyone thinks he's cool? That's totally lame!"

"Trust me it gets better." Peter said.

_Big Pete loved riding his horse. There was a bit of danger at the saloon. Lady Lois was being held up by a large crowd._

"Help! Somebody help me!" Lady Lois cried.

Chris chimed in with the story.

_Big Pete rushed over to Lady Lois with his steed and whisked her onto his horse. _

"Now you listen here. I think it's about time that you leave this young lady alone." Big Pete warned.

_The mob ran away from Big Pete and was never harmed again._

Peter continued the story.

_Once Lady Lois was rescued they sat by a shady tree._

"Thank you for saving me." Lady Lois said relieved. "Is there anything I can do in return?"

Big Pete grinned, "No thanks is necessary."

Stewie raised his hand. "All of a sudden a bird crapped on him!"

A bird flew over Big Pete and pooped on him.

"The End!" Chris said as he clapped his hands.

"What the hell was that?" Peter asked. "Why would a bird crap all over him?"

Brian pulled out a bottle of whisky and said, "Peter, stories aren't made to be true."

The next morning was an odd day for Peter. It was the weekend and Peter didn't have to work. Carter was having an auto show auction at his house. Neighbors from Quahog gathered for the event. Peter pulled out his wallet and counted his money.

"Crap. I only have $50." Peter said as he shuffled through his wallet.

Brian rolled his eyes and said sarcastic, "I'm assuming you want to buy a Ferrari."

Peter sighed and said, "I just want to make Lois love me again. I hate being a single father like Kevin Federline. I mean sure he's crazy here and there but he means well."

The Ferrari was up on the stage. Carter looked at the card in front of him and said, "For this 2008 Red Ferrari, the bidding will start at $5,000."

"$50!" Peter shouted.

Carter looked at Peter and said, "No asshole! I said $5,000."

Peter raised his credit card and said, "$5,000!"

Carter slapped his head. "Damn it! No credit cards!"

Johnson was a few feet away and yelled out, "$5,000!"

Peter looked at Johnson and said, "Damn you Johnson! Why are you trying to be better than me?'

Johnson chuckled and said, "That's what I do Griffin. You might've been promoted right away but I will always be better than you."

Carter looked around and said, "$5,000 for the red Ferrari. Do I hear $6,000?"

Brian yelled out, "$6,000!"

Peter was baffled. "Now you want a Ferrari?" he asked.

Brian nodded and said, "That's what friends do." Johnson chuckled and shuffled through his wallet.

"$50,000!" Johnson yelled.

Carter gasped in awe and said, "Ladies and gentlemen $50,000!"

Brian sighed and said, "Well I tried."

"Sold to Johnson!" Carter said as he banged the hammer.

On the drive home Peter was pretty upset. All of a sudden he saw a giant mob crowded around Lois. Peter got out of the car and said, "Leave her alone! If you guys don't scram I'm going to get Joe Swanson over here to arrest you guys."

The mob members looked at each other and left Lois alone.

"You saved me again!" Lois said as she wrapped herself in Peter's arms.

All of a sudden a bird flew over Peter and pooped on him. "Ha! Take that fatty!" the bird mocked as he flew away.

Lois looked at Peter and let go of him. "You are a disgrace Mr. Griffin!" Lois said.

As Lois left Peter became very sad. Brian comforted Peter and asked, "Did you notice something strange?"

"I got crapped on?" Peter asked.

"Yes that. Peter, whenever the kids say something in the story, it happens to you in real life. So you didn't get a new car." Brian said.

Peter had an idea. He rushed over to Lois and saw her get into a Ferrari. "Freaking sweet! Do I follow you and get one of those?" Peter asked.

Lois punched Peter in the face and said, "No. Peter I worked very hard at the family company and I got high pay! As part owner of the business I got this Ferrari. I mean daddy had 3 of these."

Lois drove away from Peter as he cried in his tears. Then an idea popped into his head.

"I have a better idea!" Peter said proudly.

Brian sighed and said, "I have a feeling its going to be another story."


	3. The kids tell the story

Later that evening, Peter barged through the door and saw the kids watching TV. Peter turned off the television and said, "Kids it's time for another bedtime story." The kids groaned in unison. Chris sighed and said, "Dad, we don't like your stories." Peter chuckled to himself. Silence filled the room. Peter thought about the past stories and how it reflected his life.

"I promise tonight will be a good story." Peter said confident.

Brian patted Peter and said, "Maybe later on tonight would be a good time."

The kids nodded. During dinner Peter was writing a few ideas down on paper for his story. Brian looked at Peters story and said, "That's a rip off of 300. Can't you be more creative than that?"

Peter skimmed his story he wrote and made a few changes. Brian looked at the story. Brian said, "Better."

Once it was bedtime Peter pulled out his story and told the kids, "This story takes place in Ancient Rome."

Stewie threw his arms in the air and said, "Damn it! Not a Hercules parody. That's a bigger rip off than 300."

_Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a powerful man named Petcules. He was adored by all of the cities civilians. His major task from Emperor Flabby was to do a death-defying stunt._

"Do you believe you can do this stunt?" he asked.

"I can do anything!" Petcules said as he flexed his muscles.

"RELEASE THE LIONS!" the Emperor yelled.

_The audience cheered as the lions came out. Petcules got in his carriage and charged at the lions. The carriage went off the ledge and flew over the lions and landed on the other side. _

"Can you dig it?" Petcules said with a triumphant roar.

_The audience stood up and applauded. Empress Lois rushed to Petcules and gave him a big hug._

"You were so brave." She said sweetly.

"Not so fast." The Emperor said. "You must tame the lion."

_Petcules pulled out his dagger and sliced it into the lion's throat. The audience gasped. Tension filled the arena. The audience cheered._

"Later that day, Petcules and the Empress walked along the beach until a old pedophile showed up on the ground passed out." Brian said intruding Peter's story.

"What the hell?" Peter yelled as he threw his arms in the air.

"Petcules did the right thing and gave him CPR." Brian said with a grin on his face.

"Damn it Brian! That's repulsive." Peter said pissed off.

"All of a sudden it started to rain.' Stewie said.

Peter sighed and said, "There. That's better."

"The elderly pedophile woke up and started to dance." Chris said as he clapped his hands with excitement.

"It was so rainy that Petcules and the Empress hid under the dock.' Brian smiled.

"They were about to kiss until Ben Franklin showed up." Meg said.

Peter interrupted and asked, "Do you think this is funny to you? You guys are making an ass out of yourself. My God the storyline has gone downhill since I started telling the story. It's like the Jaws movies. I mean sure he's a shark but we all know he's robotic."

Everyone ignored Peter and continued the story.

"Once it stopped raining, the Empress showed Petcules his ex girlfriends in her home. Each of them looked at one another and started doing the hokey pokey." Stewie said excited.

"Okay! That's enough! Stories over. Good night. Sleep tight." Peter said as he left the room.

Once Peter and Brian left Stewie whispered, "When Petcules left the Empress home, he got drunk and ended up on the streets. The End."

Early the next morning Peter was at the pier waiting for Lois. Lois approached Peter and gave him a big hug. "Sorry for running late. Daddy wouldn't stop talking about his investments."

Peter chuckled and said, "I never understand what he means when he talks about that. Anyways I was hoping we would go to the beach and do some catching up."

Lois smiled and said, "Let's go."

At the beach Lois and Peter held each other's hands until they noticed Herbert washed up on the beach. Peter and Lois ran over to Herbert and Peter got down on him and gave Herbert CPR. Peter looked up at Lois and asked, "Shouldn't we get out of this rain?"

Lois looked up and asked, "What rain?"

Out of nowhere it began to rain. Herbert stood up and started singing, "Singing in the Rain" as he leaped around the beach. Lois and Peter laughed as they ran under the dock. Peter and Lois almost kissed until a $100 landed on the sand. Peter picked up the $100 and said, "Hey look it's Ben Franklin."

Lois kissed Peter on the cheek and said, "Let's go back to my place. I have a surprise for you."

"Does it have to do with my exes from high school?' Peter asked.

Lois paused and asked, "What the hell do you mean by that?"

Peter shrugged and followed Lois.


	4. Turn of Events

Peter and Lois arrived at her house. Once they got inside there was a room of Peter's exes. The girls whispered to one another. The brunette woman stuttered and asked, "Peter? Is that you?" Peter didn't seem happy to see his exes. He crossed his arms and didn't say anything. The red head whispered something to the other girls. The girls nodded and started doing the Hokey Pokey.

"You put your right foot in. You take your right foot out. You put your right foot in and you shake all about. You do the Hokey Pokey and turn yourself around. That is what it's all about." The girls sung.

Peter and Lois looked at one another and slowly backed out of the house. Peter looked at Lois and said, "I haven't been this confused since I saw Inception."

Nothing happened. A flashback was supposed to appear. Peter asked Lois, "Where's the freaking flashback?"

Lois sighed and said, "Budget cuts."

Peter slapped his head and said; "Now you tell me!"

When Peter got home he took deep breaths of exhaustion. "What happened today?" Brian asked.

"I just realized something scary Brian!" Peter said. "It takes 54,000 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop." Brian sighed. "I was hoping you would realize that everyone but you controls the stories you tell." Peter scoffed a bit. "Yeah right!" Suddenly a wind chime was heard. Peter had an idea.

"Brian I got it! The kids control the story! Not me!" Peter said excited.

The doorbell rung. Peter answered. Tom Pocket Pat was at the door. "Mr. Griffin it's very nice to see you. How's the plan for the new brewery coming?" he asked.

"Not well. I'm trying to think of some good ideas." Peter said.

Brian asked Tom, "Where's the new brewery going to be?"

Tom chuckled a bit and said, "At the high school Chris and Meg go to." Brian gasped. "This can't happen! I'm not going to let this happen!" he yelled. Tom sighed and said sarcastic, "Oh I'm sure you can't blame me! Peter supported the idea."

Blank stares were pointed at Peter. Brian bit Peter's arm as Peter waved his arm trying to get Brian off him. Tom closed the door and left. "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Peter yelled while looking at the scar on his arm.

Brian exited the house. "I'm disappointed in you Peter." He said.

"Wait!" Peter yelled. "Don't go!"

Brian turned around. "Can you explain why you did that?" Brian asked.

"I didn't want it to happen! I mean on the way home I got drunk and forgot about the whole thing but now I realized that drinking isn't the solution to my problems." Peter explained. "Trust me in tonight's final story I'll make sure nothing bad happens."

Later that night the kids were snug in their beds. Peter crossed his legs and said to the kids, "Okay kids. This is the final story. The theme is science fiction."

"Damn! Not another Star Wars story!" Stewie groaned.

"Stewie it's not a Star Wars story! Trust me on this." Peter explained.

_It was the year 2050. It was the 10__th__ annual Anti Gravity Space fight. Pete was new to the battle. His opponent was Darth Vader._

"Ah Ha!" Chris shouted. "It is a Star Wars story!"

"Shut up Meg." Peter said to himself.

_Darth and Pete were in one heck of a battle._

"Sadly Pete had a speech impediment." Brian said.

_As Pete and Darth had their light saber battle a giant booger monster appeared and held Pete hostage. Luckily his good friend Chewbacca saved Pete and could understand what Pete was saying. The leader of the galaxy was watching cheering for Darth to win the battle. All of a sudden the giant booger monster ate Darth._

"When Pete won the battle the galaxy leader threw a fire ball at Pete. Pete became incinerated." Stewie said. "The end."

Peter shouted, "No! The story can't end like that!"

"Stories weren't meant to have a happy ending." Brian explained as they left the room.

Early the next day Peter began to start shaking. He was flipping through the channels on TV. Shows like "Will it Burn?" and "Fireman" were some of the shows on the TV. Peter switched to the news.

"This just in, an elderly man committed suicide by burning himself on fire. Apparently he was hot on the press." Tom Tucker announced. Peter screamed and turned off the TV.

Brian ran into the room alarmed. "What happened?" he asked.

Peter slowly glanced at Brian and said, "I think I might be on fire Brian. I'm scared."

Suddenly the doorbell rung. Peter answered. When Peter opened the door Tom Pocket Pat was at the door holding an invitation in his hand.

"Hello Mr. Griffin. I hope I'm not bothering you." He said sly.

Peter looked at the invitation form and said, "I didn't know it was your birthday. How old are you anyways? 46?"

Tom sighed deeply while controlling his anger towards Peter and said, "No you ass. I'm 52." Peter laughed and said, "No you're not." Tom quickly returned to the subject. "I'm inviting all of the employees to my Hawaiian themed birthday party! Its today at 6. Can you make it?"

Peter thought about the story from last night and said, "Sure. I'll be there." Peter closed the door and sat down on the ground. "I haven't been this scared since Nightmare on Elm Street came out." Once again no flashback appeared. "Stupid budget cuts." He mumbled.

Later that day Peter was at the Home Depot shopping for fire safety gear. "Flame resistant Christmas Tree spray." He said as he read the label. Peter took off his shirt and sprayed every inch of his body. An employee walked up to Peter and said, "I'm sorry sir those are for Christmas trees."

Peter turned around and sprayed the employee in the face. The employee kneeled on the ground and screamed in pain. Peter looked at the can and said, "Oh my God! I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you." Peter aimed the can at him and sprayed some of the tree spray in his eyes. Peter fell onto the ground also and screamed, "Oh my God! My eyeballs are on fire! Someone call a medic!"

Once Peter got to the party he was nervous. Brian was beside him making sure Peter didn't do anything stupid. Fire was everywhere. Peter yelped and ducked behind Brian. The fire juggler near the pool was juggling fire. Peter jumped to action and pushed the fire juggler in the pool. "What the hell was that?" Brian asked.

"I didn't do it. He jumped in." Peter explained.

One of the waitresses offered Peter ice cream. Peter glanced at the ice cream and asked, "What's the catch? Are you going to light it on fire?" The waitress gave Peter a puzzled look and said, "No fire. It'll melt. Just take the ice cream and chill pill."

Peter took the ice cream and took one bite of it. He didn't know that there was a bee on the ice cream. Thus the bee stung his tongue. "AAAAAAA!" Peter yelled. "A BEE STUNG MY TONGUE!" The bell rung. Johnson waved his hand and announced, "Will all guests please report to the living room. That means you Mr. Pat."

Peter held his tongue and said swelled up, "I think my tongue is swelling up."

At the presentation Peter was unable to speak clearly. (**Authors note: **Whenever Peter speaks during this presentation his tongue is completely swollen. Imagine what Peter would sound like if his tongue were swollen.)

Once all of the guests were in the living room, Tom Pocket Pat announced, "I would first like to thank everyone for coming to my birthday party. I am having a wonderful time. So who would like to present their new design for the Tom Pocket Patriot Brewery?"

Peter pointed at Johnson. Johnson smirked and said, "I can't argue with that logic." Johnson and his female assistant walked towards the microphone. Johnson cleared his throat and announced, "Mr. Patriot, beer makes the world go round and round. But where does it stop? My idea for the new brewery should be Vegas style!"

The curtains behind Johnson opened. Beer fountains flowed as confetti sparked from each side of the room. Johnson started to sing a little song.

Johnson: **When you first walk into the door,**

** Our customers will be filled with galore!**

** So Mr. Patriot please do understand,**

** Our guests will be greeted by a marching band.**

** So get off your ass and put on a grin,**

** Or else the tide will fill in!**

** So please visit the one and only**

** Tom Pocket Patriot brewery!**

Everyone but Peter and Brian applauded.

"That song was crappier than that time I saw Rent." Brian said to himself.

A flashback appeared.

Brian exited the theater and ripped up his ticket and said, "Worst performance ever."

The flashback ended.

Peter was up next. When he approached the microphone he mumbled some of his words. No one could understand what he was saying.

"Speak up Mr. Griffin!" Tom Pocket Pat demanded.

Peter glared at Tom Pocket Pat and said, "A bee sthung my tongue."

"What did you say?" Tom asked.

"I sthaid a bee…zzzzzz…sthung my tongue." Peter said again but louder.

"A bee stung my tongue." Brian told Tom.

Tom looked at Brian and asked, "You can understand him?"

Brian rolled his eyes and said, "I have a way of understanding his words."

Tom had an idea. "How would you like to translate for us?" he asked.

Brian nodded and stood next to Peter. As Peter talked, Brian translated what Peter was saying.

"I have always thought of this company as an escape from reality. Since I have been drinking for 20 years of my life, I have forgotten everything from the outside world. Our customers deserve to know that it's not what you can do for Tom Pocket Patriot Brewery; it's what Tom Pocket Patriot Brewery can do for you. We should be able to educate our children the rights and wrongs of drinking. So when our children become adults they will be responsible drinkers. Not wasted fat drunks like me." Brian announced.

Everyone stood up and applauded loud. Peter cried a little bit and hugged Brian. Tom Pocket Pat gave Peter a key and said, "Mr. Griffin I highly award you owner of the Quahog Tom Pocket Patriot Brewery."

Peter pulled out the stinger from his tongue and shouted, "Freaking sweet!" Brian tapped Peter on the shoulder and said, "You do realize that you're responsible for breaking down the high school Chris and Meg go to." Peter paused for a moment and said to himself, "Crap."

It was about midnight and the cake was about to be delivered to Tom Pocket Pat. Peter rushed up to him and said, "Mr. Patriot I need a word with you about the construction." Tom ignored Peter and walked to the cake. 46 candles were on the cake. Everyone but Peter and Brian were singing Happy Birthday to Tom. Once Tom was blowing on the candles Peter quickly poured water on the candles. The cake was ruined. Tom looked up at Peter disgusted and said, "Griffin, you're FIRED!"

Peter paused for a moment. "Oh…Fired! I knew it was something like that." Peter said to himself embarrassed.

Early the next morning Peter was rounding up the kids. Lois entered the house and said, "Peter I'm disappointed in you. I can't believe you ruined Mr. Patriots birthday party." Peter sighed and said, "I didn't have a choice. I was worried about getting caught on fire." Brian comforted Peter and told Lois, "He didn't know. That's all. Look Lois I think the best thing we should do is forgive Peter for what he did and protest the demolition of the school."

Peter had an idea. "If we leave now we'll get there before the demolition! I'll drive. Trust me I learned to drive faster in Grand Theft Auto."

Everyone dashed to the car. Peter backed the car up and drove 50 mph down the street dodging the neighbor's cars and pedestrians. Peter took a sharp left and sped down the street. Lois covered her eyes and said, "We're never going to make it. The schools 20 minutes away and the demolition is going to happen in 10 minutes."

Peter put on his game face and drove faster turning left and right dodging kids crossing the street. Lois grabbed onto Peter. Peter looked at Lois and saw her as the empress from the science fiction story. Peter took a sharp right into a construction zone and sped onto a ramp. Peter then remembered the Roman story he told. As the car was in mid air Peter screamed in slow motion, "Can you dig it?" The car landed hard on the ground. Peter kept driving faster. "5 more minutes Peter." Brian announced.

Peter made a sharp left turn. Brian noticed a whip in the back seat and whipped Peter like a horse. Peter yelped and drove 70 mph and remembered his western story. He imagined himself and Lois riding on Ferrari the red horse. Back in reality Peter made a sharp right and dodged more cars and pedestrians. Lois looked at the clock and said, "3 minutes Peter! Hurry!"

As Peter looked out the window he could see the school. He pressed the break hard and turned around. He sped towards the high school at 30 mph. Peter told Lois and Brian, "Jump out of the car now! This is going to be risky."

Lois grabbed Peter and gave him a hard kiss. "Be safe Peter. I love you." She said. Both Lois and Brian jumped out of the car. The doors slammed as Peter drove faster. All of a sudden Peter jumped out of the drivers seat and watched the car run over Johnson. Everyone paused. The car swerved and hit the side of the school. Everyone cheered. Tom Pocket Pat clapped his hands and said, "Mr. Griffin you are an idiot."

Peter walked towards Tom slowly and said, "I'm sorry Mr. Patriot but I had to do it for my kids. I love them so much I don't want them to loose their school. Isn't there a new location where you can build the brewery?"

Tom thought for a moment and said, "Your know Peter you were right the whole time. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. If keeping this school is important to you, we can always relocate to a different place. But where?"

Peter grinned and said, "I think I have an idea."

3 months later the Drunken Clam was took down and was replaced with the new Tom Pocket Patriot Brewery where Peter ran the business. Lois and Peter got back together and were remarried. Every night since then Peter would tell bedtime stories to the children and they all lived happily ever after.

The end.


End file.
